Today
started out well enough. I went to Green Spring Gardens with some ladyfriends
to make a hanging flower basket. It turned out lovely, by the way. I was
starving when I got home so I wolfed down the sandwich left over from
Thursday’s foray to the Natural History Museum. I questioned the wisdom of that
because the sandwich had already been sitting out for who knows how long before
I had it for lunch Thursday, it traveled in my purse for several more hours
& today is 2 days later for an already suspicious sandwich. But, I was
hungry & it was there. You know where this is going…literally &
figuratively. I was in the middle of making cookies to take to a friend’s party
when all hell broke loose along with my guts. I needn’t tell you the rest
except to say it took awhile to resolve. So, how does this tie in with life?
Just when you think things are going pretty well, BAM, there go the guts of it
all. And whatever it is that needs to be resolved always takes awhile. You can
throw all kinds of remedies at it but it’s not going to resolve until it’s time
for it to resolve. Or so it seems to me. I’ve been learning & practicing
this new way of life called One Day At A Time & sometimes it’s actually one
minute at a time. Being a patient person to begin with, you’d think this would
come easily. Well, you’d be wrong. It’s a different kind of patience. It’s not
directed outward for someone else but a personal patience. It involves stepping
back & trusting some power other than yourself to help you figure stuff
out. It’s that letting go of power that can be an issue. I’m fine teaching
others to let go & trust the process. But when it comes to me, well, I
thought I knew how to live my life just fine, thank you very much. Turns out I
was wrong about that too. It’s gotten me in a pickle here these past few years
but even more in the past few months. I’ve had to learn that I can’t control
anyone else’s anything. Just like I can’t control Tummy Troubles. It takes
personal patience to let the process run its course, to trust that this too
shall pass. And if it doesn’t pass fast enough for me, well, too bad. For
lord’s sake, today’s discomfort lasted a lot longer than usual. Must have been
a pretty ripe sandwich, ugh. I was disappointed that I missed the party but it
gave me a chance to get some things done around here that have been waiting to
be done. Things I’d put off because I don’t like doing them. My style is to
find other things to do rather than what I
need
to do. Procrastination is a defect I’m working on.
Along the
lines of not being able to control anyone’s anything reminds me of a song sung
by Bonnie Raitt, “I Can’t Make You Love Me If You Don’t”. It helps me realize
that if things ARE, they are. If they AREN’T, they aren’t & I can’t do a
dang thing about it. I can step back & wait for awhile & see how things
pan out, or don’t. But forcing my will or desires won’t get me anywhere. Darn
it. It’s been a difficult & painful lesson. I used to think very highly of
my (false) self, “Who wouldn’t want to be with me?” Now I think, “Who would want to be with me?” So many
defects, flaws, issues, annoyances. But what I’m working toward now is not
acceptance or love from others but my own acceptance of my (true) self & to
believe that I am worth the investment. That keeping myself true to me is the important thing. Of course I
want to be loved, everyone does, but growing that self love is what’s up these
days. I may not be enough for anyone else but I jolly well better get to be
enough for myself. The New & Improved MO is being tweaked daily. One day
she’ll appear. I hope you like her. I know I will.
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